Location: Uster, by Sanaa's house waiting for my bus which is coming in half an hour.
Music: iPod is dead.
Mood: Like my heart just shattered.
Today was awesome. I met a couple friends of Sanaa and Chris's. One is hilarious and had to deal with most of my craziness, the other is Indian and reminds me of a really good friend who I missed today. I went a little crazy, had a crapload of java. End of the day, Sanaa told me to keep being such a happy person.
I'm kinda really glad only Allison and co read my blog cause this hurts like a witch spelled wrong. I am not okay today.
Today, for the first time in all of my short but crazy 18 years... I missed my mom. I always say, I don't need a mom, I don't remember her and I don't know what it is like to even have one. What do moms do? What are you looking at me for, I don't know. How the heck should I know I don't have one. Didn't really matter to me. I loved being an independent girl, loved being a mom to Josh so early. Baby brother if you are reading this I adore you, you are so sweet and loving and I'm sorry I know I can be really freaking hard on you, I just don't know how to be a big sister and a mom at the same time. I'm so sorry cause I can't tell you what mom was like, I can't be like her because I have no idea who she was.
I've put on a brave face all day, and I feel like crap, worse that crap. I feel awful. I have never missed my mom, never missed a mother. Today I was sitting in Greifensee. That is where my mom learned to ride a bike. That is where she took me as a child. Not that I remember, but my dad does. I'm hurting and I don't know how to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I want to write about it, and have you understand that I am not crazy, I'm just putting on a mask, and my mask is caffeine induced craziness. And I do remember being real sad about my grandpa dying, and falling in and out of love. And let me tell you, love is a cold-hearted bitch.
But that was nothing compared to today.
I felt like shit, God why did you do this to me? I'm not angry at him as much as I am confused and wondering why he would break me. I could have been a normal kid, grew up here, and did whatever. But no, I just have to be the one to be fat and awkward and motherless and broken and it's not fair. But that is how life goes baby. I gotta get over it, make me stronger and pray to God I don't harden up. I want to be the happy person I was today without the craziness. I want to be stronger and not hurt for stupid reasons. I want my mom, I want her to tell me that it's okay, it's life, move along. I don't want to inherit just her face and her sickness, I want to inherit her heart- and when I die, I want people who knew me to talk about me the way they talk about my mom. Don't tell I'm too young to talk about my death, I've known death all my life, its been behind me and laughing at me so long as I can remember.
I was okay most of the day, then I had someone ask me if my mom was calling to call me home. Most kids are like darn it my mom wants me home by this time and this place and blah blah blah. I would never say that, if it was, it was because my mom was worried, and she loves me and she wants to take care of me and wants me safe. I was like no, it was my dad. It sucked, because I can never say, "hold on its my mom" So sons and daughters, don't ever complain when your mom fusses about you, she loves you, she worries about you and there are men and women out there who would give
anything to have that.
I don't love my mom. I don't know her to love her. I want my mom. And I want something that my dad can't give me, he's got five other kids and I'm the eldest, I should be helping, not causing trouble. And I do have a stepmom, and its not the same. I used to think, if that's what a mom is like, I don't want one. But that's not a mom, that's a stepmom, and I'm a luckier Cinderella minus the Knight in Shining Armour.
AHHHHHH I am such a drama queen. I can't help it, I've never felt so bad in my life. I'll shut up now. But you all gotta know something. I'm not the happiest camper around and if I seem too much like it, please just let me be, I don't want to talk about it, I'd rather write about it. Read about it later, don't tell me I'm crazy, I know it already.
Sanaa, Chris, Martin and Rajiv I love you for that, you let me be me and just smiled through the strangeness.
One day I'll get over it. I will, because its me, so thanks.
Gotta catch me a bus home.
