One of those Merin days…

Haven’t had one of these in a while. Since July I think, actually. So it really has been a while. My dad went to India today, and I don’t know if it has much to do with this, but I started off with a beautifully enlightening conversation with my dear Ankur, about which I will write about soon, but I won’t be able to until I get this out of my mind. For some reason, I had a rain cloud following me all bloody day.

I felt like it was Crows and Locusts in one day. Let me write basically how I felt,

See the murder, and the swarm descend. The night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks she’ll betray you every time.

It was the year, the crows and the locusts came. The fields drained dry the rain, the fields are bleeding. It was the age, the foxes came for the fields. We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel and prayed for mercy, prayed for Mercy.

I know I’m pretty strange. Once I know someone well, then we’re close and I can’t hide much from them. But I am the MOST socially awkward person that I have ever known. And its always been easier to write than talk about just stuff for me.

I just… sorta really wish I had someone like Allison or Michelle here,who I am able to talk to. Or Ankur, Ankur you know me before I know me… I know you know what I mean. But I don’t and then it piles up and randomly comes out. I always wonder if it is the whole mother thing or just because I’m me… I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. And its REALLY weird because I don’t know how to tell people things, like I told people I was fine at work, because I didn’t know how to explain that I wasn’t ok, cause it’s not like I know how to fix it right?

I don’t even know why I’m having this day where I just feel like crap. Maybe I should get a shrink.  So yeah, just putting it out there and off my chest.

Now I can write about more important things. Because sometimes I am really selfish and my problems are nothing compared to the suffering that people go through every day around the world. I am just going to have to suck it up and live, not much else to do anyways, because I don’t quit, people who know me well, know that I don’t quit. I am not a quitter, and I no matter how difficult I have it, I’m not quitting on life.

Actually I feel much better now. I’m listening to Shadowfeet also by Brooke Fraser and there are a few lines I get now. I really get it!

When the world is falling out from under me, I’ll be found in you, still standing.

When my world is falling apart, I should talk to Jesus about it, I just… I don’t know to talk to people… I think I’m going to start writing letters to him then. I’ll do that. I like that idea. Alright, I have a solution I believe!

You make all things new, you makes all thing new.

He can make me new, a better person!

Every fear and accusation, under my feet, when time and space are through, I’ll be found in you!

I’m gonna be okay, I know it! I just feel so much better, after writing this! And listening to that song. I get it. I’m gonna be just fine.

Take this ocean of pain that is mine, throw me a lifeline. There’s ocean obstructing me and God and it’s breaking me, what else could? I gotta fix this! Be back soon!

Blogger on iPhone

I just got this program and wanted to test it... Spamming to follow!!!!

Running off on a Tangent

I was originally gong to post part 2 of Time. . But I'm easily distracted:)

I love the Doctor. He's the best idea since sliced bread. He’s the Lord of Time. And unfortunately, the last one.

I was watching reruns of "The Last of the Time Lords' and had to stop the video when the Doctor wept for the Master. He was the sort of man who forgave his arch-enemy because they were the last time lords in existence. The Doctor held this silly hope that he and the Master world spend the rest of eternity together, locked up, "finally in peace or battling across the stars.

He just didn't want to be alone.

The depth of loneliness, I just couldn't fathom it. It broke my heart.

Imagine being the very last human being in the Universe. The whole of the universe, 156 billion light years, countless different worlds and peoples and lives; and not a single one like you. If I could comprehend that notion, that idea even a fraction of it in my head… to be the last of your kind. I'd go mad with loneliness too. And it isn't even the worst for US because we're human. We'll live at the most a hundred years, then we can surrender to sweet death. Can the Doctor?

Not unless he was trying to. He's the Doctor, a Time Lord, he doesn't die just like that. And he’s not a coward. He wouldn’t give up on life. So he lives on. He remembers. He carries the burden of an entire species on his shoulders.

Imagine the horror, the despair, the pain. The survivors guilt.

Above all, the loneliness.