One of those Merin days…

Haven’t had one of these in a while. Since July I think, actually. So it really has been a while. My dad went to India today, and I don’t know if it has much to do with this, but I started off with a beautifully enlightening conversation with my dear Ankur, about which I will write about soon, but I won’t be able to until I get this out of my mind. For some reason, I had a rain cloud following me all bloody day.

I felt like it was Crows and Locusts in one day. Let me write basically how I felt,

See the murder, and the swarm descend. The night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks she’ll betray you every time.

It was the year, the crows and the locusts came. The fields drained dry the rain, the fields are bleeding. It was the age, the foxes came for the fields. We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel and prayed for mercy, prayed for Mercy.

I know I’m pretty strange. Once I know someone well, then we’re close and I can’t hide much from them. But I am the MOST socially awkward person that I have ever known. And its always been easier to write than talk about just stuff for me.

I just… sorta really wish I had someone like Allison or Michelle here,who I am able to talk to. Or Ankur, Ankur you know me before I know me… I know you know what I mean. But I don’t and then it piles up and randomly comes out. I always wonder if it is the whole mother thing or just because I’m me… I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. And its REALLY weird because I don’t know how to tell people things, like I told people I was fine at work, because I didn’t know how to explain that I wasn’t ok, cause it’s not like I know how to fix it right?

I don’t even know why I’m having this day where I just feel like crap. Maybe I should get a shrink.  So yeah, just putting it out there and off my chest.

Now I can write about more important things. Because sometimes I am really selfish and my problems are nothing compared to the suffering that people go through every day around the world. I am just going to have to suck it up and live, not much else to do anyways, because I don’t quit, people who know me well, know that I don’t quit. I am not a quitter, and I no matter how difficult I have it, I’m not quitting on life.

Actually I feel much better now. I’m listening to Shadowfeet also by Brooke Fraser and there are a few lines I get now. I really get it!

When the world is falling out from under me, I’ll be found in you, still standing.

When my world is falling apart, I should talk to Jesus about it, I just… I don’t know to talk to people… I think I’m going to start writing letters to him then. I’ll do that. I like that idea. Alright, I have a solution I believe!

You make all things new, you makes all thing new.

He can make me new, a better person!

Every fear and accusation, under my feet, when time and space are through, I’ll be found in you!

I’m gonna be okay, I know it! I just feel so much better, after writing this! And listening to that song. I get it. I’m gonna be just fine.

Take this ocean of pain that is mine, throw me a lifeline. There’s ocean obstructing me and God and it’s breaking me, what else could? I gotta fix this! Be back soon!