I've Migrated!!!!!

So I have been using blogger since I was 16 years old, thats 3 years and its been good to me. I've had a lot of fun with ya'll and I've learned my lessons. What to and what not to do online, for one:) I've learned so much on my blogger. No I wanna let you all know, this Tale is nowhere near done. It's barely started!

But change is good. Change is fun and refreshing and sometimes I need something like that to get me back to my roots. To really bring out the writer in me, I hope you all are following. It's that spring feeling of winter letting out its last breath and spring swallowing it up and growing, and growing- till all of a sudden it's summer!

So it is with great joy that I introduce my brand new blogbaby to you! It's my tumblr! It's called soniclipstick, a nod to my dear Doctor Who. www.soniclipstick.tumblr.com is my new new new baby!

I don't think I'll post on both blogs from now on, it'll get confusing and this post about me moving won't be on top anymore if I do, but please don't abandon me, I've just moved online is all:)

Thanks again for being with me, I've appreciated it! I hope I see ya'll on tumblr!

All my love,

Merin

Spring!

Location: Seebach, Zurich

Music: Spellbound - Katie Melua

Mood: bursting with I do not know what, energy, fire and water and rain and just everything

I'm a girl and maybe thats why I write so much about how I feel, or maybe its just who I am and I couldn't have helped it even if I was a boy but ahh!

Its Friday night after a hard week at work, appointments crammed in one between the other and I've finally got the chance to sit down, relax and enjoy some music, chill out and take a breath. I love this restaurant, not guilty. I adore it so much, because its spring. not guilty is spring just beginning, we're brand new and beautiful and precious and bright greens and pinks and yellows and blues and it is gorgeous. Glorious, really. It's got sooo much potential and its all waiting to happen! Summer is coming soon, I can feel it in my bones. Summer will come and all the pretty greens and pinks and yellows will bloom.

I really hope that I am making sense right now. I just want to write because I wish you all could feel that feeling in my stomach. I've got butterflies in my stomach because I know things are changing and thats spring too! That feeling you get when you wake up in bed early morning on a warm spring day and you've got so much to do and you can't wait to do them because it's not work or school, its just life and accomplishing things and enjoying that day in its full entirety. Just eating up the day like a massive black hole, eating up everything it can have, yet never being able to stop. There is sooo much out there and even if you can't get everything, who would dare stop you from trying to?

I wish you all could understand what it means to be that joyful, that free and ready for where life is reading to take you! That ship is ready and waiting and I've got my bags packed. I've got a ticket sitting in my drawer and it ain't no good till I use it, before it expires! Its spring. For me. For not guilty Restaurant. For everyone, if you're willing to take that chance and just go for it. Don't miss that pretty ship, when you've already got a paid ticket in your hand.

Lately I've been thinking, should I stay or should I go? It is definitely time to go!

Leave the past behind, start all over again, and live life to your fullest. So its still Winter for some of us. Well for me, I love the snow, the bright whites which cover everything and hides the world from view. But winter is saying her final adieu and spring is here, bringing the colours back into our world. It's time to wake up, say good bye to the past, let it wash away and let the sun through. Time to board that boat, and as Captain Jack would say, bring me that horizon.

Twitter

HELLO INTERNET. (I saw Charlie Mcdonnell say that once on YouTube and I ADORE IT!)

For those of you who haven't noticed, I adore twitter. I love blogging, writing and talking to people. I have noticed that people who are generally more introverted tend to be extroverted online, which is how you meet such interesting people, with whom you'd in real life probably not know as well. Some friends online know more about me than others do, simply because they're easier for me to connect to. Some people think its weird, I find it only natural.

So naturally, when Mr. Krstovic starting telling us about twitter in grade 12 chemistry, I had to have it. Over the first year, I tweeted less than 400 times, simply because I thought it troublesome to sign in and just waiting till things happened on the my timeline. Now almost two years later- I've finally begun using it properly, and on my iPhone. Its fast, and for on the move. I have so much more fun with it, when I am out and about and I believe that I finally get microblogging. Over that last 6 months, I have finally used twitter the way it should be used and I am falling in love with it more and more. The amount of information being exchanged in so few words all over the world.... its FANTILLIANT!

Heres a program called tweet cloud that shows you what I've been tweeting about as of late.

Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto's world of Child Soldiers

When I was in high school, I became aware of a horrifying event that was happening around the world, the issue of child soldiers. The idea of children fighting the pointless wars of men disgusted me.

The words wrist or elbow still haunt me sometimes. The idea that refusing would result in the loss of limbs for children a young as my siblings, 5, 7, 8 ... of course they agree to fight, they have no choice. And what about elder ones? Teens are forced to join for the sake of their family or their own lives. They know no other option.

Why do they want the children so bad? What use are they? You might ask, but think about it. Children are like sponges. They're impressionable, and thy take in knowledge much faster than adults. It's easy to teach a child to pick up a gun, or diffuse bombs and their size means they are good spies... And hey, if they die, they're not worth one bit to these cold hearted fighters.

So one may question, why no one is doing anything about it? Well they are. There are organizations that help rehabilitate children. But that is after the fact, the damage has been done. This problem can't be solved without attacking the roots themselves. The use of child soldiers in any and all conflicts is a severely punishable war crime, but they have to catch the culprits first, and that is the difficult task. Most child soldiers are used by rebel fighters against the government, who are technically not accountable to the United Nations. Yep, that is, according to a friend, the dumbest thing ever.

I never really forgot that learned this ages ago, but for some reason, as I was catching up on Naruto, it hit me that Masashi Kishimoto's famous anime Naruto is exactly that! The story of children learning to become weapons of war, ninjas to fight other ninjas, commit assassinations and even escort missions, from the moment that they learn to walk! Now to be honest, Naruto is a fictional world, but here's the thing! I LOVE Naruto! It's one of my favourite mangas I've ever read, because it has beautifully fleshed out characters, intricate (if a bit long winded) plots and brilliants morals. But in the end, at the centre of this entire thing is the truth that the story is about child soldiers!

What I will never forget is in the beginning, when Sakura, one of the major characters is engaged in a fight with her 'archnemesis aka exbestfriend" Ino during the ninja exams. Sakura was initially losing and git her hair caught in a trap of Ino's. She cuts her hair off, then brutally fights back and wins. In the dialogue, what stood out to me was her promise to herself to grow up, become a better ninja and never to be caught up in a trap like that. Yes, I loved it because I finally had respect for Sakura and because it spoke of growing up. Sakura was 12 years old. Growing up sounds ok (unless you're me:) but what 12 year old should be ready to kill on command? A child soldier. This was not just growing up, this was hardening up, and not at 18 or 25 or 30, when one has seen a lot of the world, but at the tender age of 12.

I'm all for growing up, everyone should mature and become responsible but that is not the same as hardening up and becoming someone who will obey any and all orders, willing to ignore all laws and rules. And how can they turn that off?? The Doctor from Doctor Who once said, what's the point of bring a grown up if you can't be a child once in a while? What about these children? They grew up too fast, fighting the ears of the elders, with no clue or care for what they were even fighting for! The idea of it just makes me nauseous.

Naruto and Sakura both chose to be ninja, they weren't part of ninja clans or anything, they chose it, unlike the poor children in our world. But somewhere, someone needs to draw a line! Ninja training started once thy learned to walk, so what choice is that anyway? A choice made by children thinking that's it's all about glory and power, and fun. And them they learn the truth and it's too late, you can't retire out of this, it becomes a lifetimes burden... One no child has or even should have the capacity of understanding and enduring.

Ok I'm done, I'm gonna go throw up now.

One of those Merin days…

Haven’t had one of these in a while. Since July I think, actually. So it really has been a while. My dad went to India today, and I don’t know if it has much to do with this, but I started off with a beautifully enlightening conversation with my dear Ankur, about which I will write about soon, but I won’t be able to until I get this out of my mind. For some reason, I had a rain cloud following me all bloody day.

I felt like it was Crows and Locusts in one day. Let me write basically how I felt,

See the murder, and the swarm descend. The night is getting thick, the moon turning her tricks she’ll betray you every time.

It was the year, the crows and the locusts came. The fields drained dry the rain, the fields are bleeding. It was the age, the foxes came for the fields. We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel and prayed for mercy, prayed for Mercy.

I know I’m pretty strange. Once I know someone well, then we’re close and I can’t hide much from them. But I am the MOST socially awkward person that I have ever known. And its always been easier to write than talk about just stuff for me.

I just… sorta really wish I had someone like Allison or Michelle here,who I am able to talk to. Or Ankur, Ankur you know me before I know me… I know you know what I mean. But I don’t and then it piles up and randomly comes out. I always wonder if it is the whole mother thing or just because I’m me… I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. And its REALLY weird because I don’t know how to tell people things, like I told people I was fine at work, because I didn’t know how to explain that I wasn’t ok, cause it’s not like I know how to fix it right?

I don’t even know why I’m having this day where I just feel like crap. Maybe I should get a shrink.  So yeah, just putting it out there and off my chest.

Now I can write about more important things. Because sometimes I am really selfish and my problems are nothing compared to the suffering that people go through every day around the world. I am just going to have to suck it up and live, not much else to do anyways, because I don’t quit, people who know me well, know that I don’t quit. I am not a quitter, and I no matter how difficult I have it, I’m not quitting on life.

Actually I feel much better now. I’m listening to Shadowfeet also by Brooke Fraser and there are a few lines I get now. I really get it!

When the world is falling out from under me, I’ll be found in you, still standing.

When my world is falling apart, I should talk to Jesus about it, I just… I don’t know to talk to people… I think I’m going to start writing letters to him then. I’ll do that. I like that idea. Alright, I have a solution I believe!

You make all things new, you makes all thing new.

He can make me new, a better person!

Every fear and accusation, under my feet, when time and space are through, I’ll be found in you!

I’m gonna be okay, I know it! I just feel so much better, after writing this! And listening to that song. I get it. I’m gonna be just fine.

Take this ocean of pain that is mine, throw me a lifeline. There’s ocean obstructing me and God and it’s breaking me, what else could? I gotta fix this! Be back soon!

Blogger on iPhone

I just got this program and wanted to test it... Spamming to follow!!!!

Running off on a Tangent

I was originally gong to post part 2 of Time. . But I'm easily distracted:)

I love the Doctor. He's the best idea since sliced bread. He’s the Lord of Time. And unfortunately, the last one.

I was watching reruns of "The Last of the Time Lords' and had to stop the video when the Doctor wept for the Master. He was the sort of man who forgave his arch-enemy because they were the last time lords in existence. The Doctor held this silly hope that he and the Master world spend the rest of eternity together, locked up, "finally in peace or battling across the stars.

He just didn't want to be alone.

The depth of loneliness, I just couldn't fathom it. It broke my heart.

Imagine being the very last human being in the Universe. The whole of the universe, 156 billion light years, countless different worlds and peoples and lives; and not a single one like you. If I could comprehend that notion, that idea even a fraction of it in my head… to be the last of your kind. I'd go mad with loneliness too. And it isn't even the worst for US because we're human. We'll live at the most a hundred years, then we can surrender to sweet death. Can the Doctor?

Not unless he was trying to. He's the Doctor, a Time Lord, he doesn't die just like that. And he’s not a coward. He wouldn’t give up on life. So he lives on. He remembers. He carries the burden of an entire species on his shoulders.

Imagine the horror, the despair, the pain. The survivors guilt.

Above all, the loneliness.

Time… and other anomalies (Part I)

Location: Not Guilty Restaurant, Oerlikon, Zürich

Mood: I don’t know yet.

Music: All Love- Ingrid Michaelson

 

WARNING: I was going to use internet and properly cite all the information here, but seeing as the Not Guilty Restaurant internet is refusing to connect me, well, any mistakes here I blame my boss. Wait he pays me, no I blame the internet. I am Not Guilty. (Wasn’t that pretty genius? I know. And the Master thinks he’s going to be supreme ruler of the universe. Right.)

 

This particular thought has been running like a crazy rabbit around my brain for a couple years now. It’s something that I give a couple minutes of a week to and then forget about all over again. It’s something I don’t really want to think about, but it never lets me forget that it’s there, that it’s the truth and something I don’t particularly want to acknowledge.

Lets go to the beginning of this whole monster of a thought monstrosity. Well, not the real beginning, no one has actually been there, but it does cover us. The very background of the birth of the universe, echoing in every part of the universe called Microwave Background Radiation. But I digress. Let’s return to a more reason beginning.

Grade 12, Physics with Mr. Whisen in Canada. I love Mr. Whisen, he is one of those teachers who know how to get his students truly interested and amazed by a subject many deem too complicated or simply boring. While studying the history of physics, I realized that at a certain point in the 1800’s, Physics had become a dead science. Scientists were of the assumption that all knowledge about the universe, in the most physical sense of the word that is, was unlocked and open to them all, and focused their efforts on the other sciences, like biology and earth sciences. Geology became quite popular. Physics got stuck in the middle of the pile of things that were labeled ‘been there, done that’.

Boy were they wrong.

The little tiger that blew the old physics universe apart is called Blackbody Radiation. I don’t really want to explain a lot of it except that its called Blackbody Radiation. It does this thing that Classical Physics (the old Physics) couldn’t explain. In fact, it went against the very rules of Classical Physics. That was when Einstein and some other scientists came along with the Wave-Particle Duality of Light. Anyways, come the early mid nineties, Physicists are thrown into the world on Quantum Physics, of bosons and neutrinos and so much uncertainty (Heisenberg would’ve loved that). Particles refused to be where they should be, the possibility that matter could appear and disappear (stamping on the withered foot of the laws of conversation of mass, energy and what not).

Suddenly, the world that had seemed simple was completely foreign. Suddenly everything seemed possible. math showed that without multiple (as in 11 + dimensions), some coiling into others in such intricate designs, the universe might not exist. Could it be possible that the universe is actually made up of strings? That we might exist in post one of countless universe in the membrane (or brane) of a multiversity Nobody knows. And everyone is fighting about it.

The only thing they all agree about is this: the universe is stranger and more frightening than ever before. . .

Douglas Adams wrote in his “Hitchhikers Guide” that if someone where to ever discover how this universe worked and exactly what itwas for, H would be instantly replaced with something even stranger. Bullseye.

Now, I know that was ridiculously long for an intro I but I’ve decided to blog about this and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’ve get 2 years worth of ideas swarming in my head. I’ve been told that I’ve got quite the dangerous brain. Let’s put it to work then.

For now, I’m signing off, I’ll be back with Part II soon enough.

Cheers.

Update: I totally got connection right now, but seeing as its the day after I wrote this, and this has got more to do with philosophy-ness that science, I’ll let you all correct any mistakes out there! Its a bit like String Theory this note, science and philosophy… thank God I have no flamers!

Lemonade

Long story short, I was watching Grandma's House, when I thought I'd check twitter which ended up leading me here. I read my last post...

only to realize that it read like it was written by a child dizzy on lemonade (yes, I stole that from Noel Fielding!)

I don't think there is an actual point to this blogpost. I reading One Piece too! There is something sooo good about a reading a chapter of a manga that hasn't been out for the last 4 weeks... its like when you're a kid, and you get a birthday present from that crazy rich uncle of yours who's never around, but FINALLY shows up.

Its like meeting Willy Wonka... or something like that.

I spend that day cooking and cleaning, and feeling 10 years my age. Mind you, that'd make me only 28... but I assume 28 years old do a lot of that... at least the ones I know do... I don't know how adults do it... its like cleaning day in and day out... thank God I'm irresponsible enough to leave it until I'm sneezing of dust before I clean. Imagine how clean this house would be, and how annoyed I would be, if I was 28...

Let's not go down that particular alley. I'm going to watch Simon Amstell and laugh till I miss gothic detectiveness and switch to Russell and Noel.

Speaking of Noel Fielding, I started watching The Mighty Boosh! 15 people on Noel's hair.. I love him! Random quote from episode 2 Mutants 'Don't touch the hair!'

British Humour!

It has been a bloody long while my readers... whoever is out there that is. There is a reason for this and by the time you learn it I will be safe in Isengard!

Ja. You guessed it. I'm reading Lord of the Rings.

On to more important issues! I've been watching a lot of British panel shows lately. Like Never Mind the Buzzcocks and QI. Mainly NMTB!

First I watched it due to the Doctor Who themed episode, then I saw a few Simon Amstell episodes and he's chocolate fudging hilarious! And if that didn't top it, then came Noel Fielding, who is the most adorably cruel in a most sexy of ways man that I have ever seen on television. I am getting ahead of myself!

First of all, NMTB is a panel show about pop music. It first had 17 series with Mark Lamarr who is terribly brilliant in that no-he-didn't-! sort of way, then Simon Amstell came who made Britney Spears cry (on Pop World not NMTB). He was socially very very disturbingly awkward in a way that made me adore him. This makes no difference as to what I think of him, but he is gay, and there is an episode where he is discussing female genitalia with Stephen Fry who is also gay... hilarious! He's more clever-funny that hehe-funny. Where you know you are laughing at yourself and not just laughing. I love it! UNFORTUNATELY, he left!

But we got quite the jewel after that, as seen on his awesome awesome CLOAK! That'd be Noel bloody Fielding for you! Noel is the most adorable man I have ever seen on TV. It's hard to imagine a 37 year old man being adorable, (then again, David Tennant does it with no difficulty!) but there is a part where he smashes this satsuma into pieces, and what I noticed was that while the others were laughing, Noel had his face covered, saying 'I have absolutely no idea why I did that!' Spontaneous? Probably. Hilarious? Definitely!

Noel Fielding is officially my new celebrity crush. It was David Tennant for a freakish long time, and then Benedict Cumberbatch for the first 10 minutes of Sherlock (till I wikipediaed him and realized that he was older that my dad), and Ed Byrne till I realized he was married... silly I know, but I can't like a celebrity who's involved with someone, its not something I can actually explain, but the moment I realize they're involved, they remain awesome and I love their work and all, but the click is gone:P

And its not like a proper crush where I dream of him or something, I just think he's brilliant and should be put on a -get-drunk-and-do-unspeakable-things-with list somewhere! And I love his clothes!

He's with Russell Brand a lot, and honestly, Russell is cool. He's funny, and articulate. I love that he uses a full arsenal of vocabulary just to be funny! You know he isn't stupid, but sometimes, his funny is too much. I don't mind it, but I like Noel's better... dunno why...:D

Who else? Loved Ed Byrne, he's sarcastic and Irish, which I love! (like Graham Norton, who I also love!) Thats a special brand of humour, I tell ya'll!

Okay, I'm done, that was fun!

Dabbling

Location: Kilchberg

Music: Viva la Vida – Coldplay – Viva la Vida or Death and all his Friends

Mood: Viva la Vida!

Let me quote Ianto Jones from Torchwood by saying that I dabble when it comes to music. From Ciara to Nightwish and Yanni to Tokio Hotel and Hillsong to AC/DC or some A.R. Rahman, I’m open-minded. I’m not hating on saying people who refuse to listen to anything but Rock or only Rap, that’s fine by me. Music is personal, and you should be able to choose how it works for you. Enjoy it! I had a friend Heather, who told me that Fall Out Boy sucked for not being half as good as the good old bands like Foreigner. I was 15, felt like an idiot for listening to Fall Out Boy. What people need to realize is that it’s not that same thing, Foreigner is amazing, but Fall Out Boy is a fun, let me just feel like a kid again sort of band:)

(Of course there is awful music out there, has anyone heard cough cough k$sha? Because that’s exactly what impressionable children of today need to see, right? Yeah. Please note the sarcasm)

Anyways, the point is, I dabble.

I’m just sort of dancing upon clouds of music and settling on whatever tickles my fancy. Then I sort of decide to lie on the cloud for a couple of weeks, or months, or years. When I picked up Hillsong, I stayed there for a full year and some. Never really got over them, I still get so excited when they release a new one… What I’m trying to explain is that I don’t get bored with music and move along, I still like whatever I listened to before. I think I grow with the musicians I listen to. For example, I want to note Hilary Duff. I adored her first CD Metamorphism when it came out. Nowadays, the songs are very memory-enticing but nothing more, I don’t relate well to them anymore… however, I do with her newer CD’s. Then there’s music I didn’t understand and do now. Coldplay during like 2002(I was 10), was exquisitely dark and melancholic and abrasive and I think I just wasn’t mature enough to understand them, so I put them in a pile of strange music I should come back to.

They were a cloud I skipped off of, and I just landed back onto them. It’s still exquisitely dark and melancholic, and beautiful. When I listen to their music, I get a feel of 1850’s London, of this very dark and angsty (but not a Simple Plan, teenager angst sort of way). It’s a rainy day in London, everybody is dressed up in uncomfortable clothes that nobody wants to wear, lots of black, lots of fog and haziness and just plain confusion on the dirty streets of London.

Sometimes I get stuck on songs, and at them moment it is Viva la Vida by Coldplay,

"Viva La Vida" soars in with a grandiose instrumental arrangement and sweeping lyrics detailing the pain of being deposed from a lofty position. The big sound of the song constantly verges on becoming overblown, but Coldplay know how to walk the tightrope perfectly. Bells and chimes and orchestral swells are all there on the chorus, but Chris Martin's voice still pierces through like a clarion call. Lyrically, the pain of the protagonist is clear, but the sweep of words about Jerusalem bells, Roman cavalry, and Saint Peter give "Viva La Vida" an air of intelligence rare in today's most popular pop songs.

—Bill Lamb, About.com.

 

I will probably be on this cloud for a VERY long time, I’ve got 4 albums to go through.

Vincent and the Doctor

People who know me know that I don’t know jack about art. I can do manga, when I’m bored or in my most artistic moments, but for the most part, going to the Kunsthaus here in Zürich just makes me feel uneducated.

I look at art, and I see what I see, I don’t see the different styles and patterns or the distinct signature works of who knows who. I see a mother and child, or pretty angles, or nice colours. And that might make me ignorant, but let me tell you something special.

My little sisters crayon drawings are ten times more wonderful and amazing and touching than any van Gogh.

So I don’t want to. I don’t want to analyse art,  I just want to enjoy it. I don’t want to spend my live surrounded by beautiful art.

But I have one exception. Van Gogh.

Of course, this leads back to Doctor Who.

Here’s the quote that I adored from Vincent:

Hold my hand, Doctor. Try to see what I see. We're so lucky we're still alive to see this beautiful world. Look at the sky. It's not dark and black and without character. The black is in fact deep blue. And over there! Lighter blue. [the starscape slowly transforms into "The Starry Night"] And blowing through the blueness and the blackness, the winds swirling through the air. And there shining, burning, bursting through, the stars! Can you see how they roll their light? Everywhere we look, complex magic of nature blazes before our eyes.

That is our universe, and van Gogh saw such beauty in it that I wish I could be there, with the Doctor and Amy and van Gogh, holding his hand and seeing his world.

Then this one:

[The Doctor has taken the Vincent forward in time to the van Gogh exhibition in Museé d'Orsay, 2010]

The Doctor: Dr Black? We met a few days ago; I asked you about The Church at Auvers.

Dr Black: Ah, yes; glad to be of help. You were nice about my tie.

The Doctor: And today is another cracker if I may say so. [steering Dr Black into Vincent's vicinity] But I just wondered between you and me in 100 words where do you think Van Gogh rates in the history of art?

Dr Black: Well... big question, but to me, van Gogh is the finest painter of them all; certainly the most popular great painter of all time: The most beloved; his most command of colour; the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstacy and joy and magnificence of our world... no-one had ever done it before. Perhaps no-one ever will again. To my mind that strange wild man who roamed the fields of Provence was not only the world’s greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived.

[Vincent, already in shock, starts breaking down in tears]

Doctor: Vincent, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, is it too much?

Vincent: No, they are tears of joy! Thank you sir, thank you. [kisses Dr Black in gratitude] Sorry about the beard.

Heartbreaking that he died… but those words describe van Gogh completely… amazing!

Typing Speed Test

74 words

Typing Speed Test

New Blog!

Hey People!!

I should write about Doctor Who because a whole bunch of ideas are running around in my head! But I just wanted to quickly note that my German blog is up and running!

It's called: Zurich durch Merins Augen

That is, Zurich through Merin's Eyes.

Anyways, will post something new soon...

Merin

DOCTOR WHO SEASON FINALE!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG. I can’t wait its today!! Will write about it later I have to get it first OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could really use a wish right now

Location: Kilchberg, Zürich

Mood: Alright

Music: Airplanes – B.O.B. Ft. Hayley Williams

I usually don’t love Rap… to tell you the truth, I kinda basically sorta hate it to hueco mundo and beyond.

But I heard something that really touched me. I’m just going to post it because I don’t actually know why it touches me.

Could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars,

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

I would also do anything to pretend that I got a wish or two right now, but I’m wishing on airplanes here, people. And hoping to God it’s not going to crash on me.

Die Sommer ist endlich hier!!!!

Ort: Kilchberg, Zürich

Musik: Waka Waka (This Time For Africa!!)

Gefühl: verärgert, weil mein Internet so langsam ist!!!!!!

Heute hat meinen Vater mir gesagt, pass darauf auf, dass du nicht zu dunkel wirst, denn niemand aus Indien wird mich heiraten. Bleh.

DANN habe ich gedacht, dass es so komisch ist, dass die Leute hier gebraunt werden wollen, und wir Inder heller werden wollen.

Egal ob wir Inder oder Kanadier oder Schweizer sind, sind wir nie zufrieden, eh?

Wenn ich gebraunter Haut will, soll ich es nicht, weil dass nicht akzeptabel ist… warum sollen wir wegen unseres Ausehens beurteilt werden? Wie ist das fair? Wenn ich dunkler wäre, würde ich nicht dummer werden!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ich werde das NIE verstehen!!!

Muss schlafen, sonst werde ich morgen bis zum 19uhr schlafen:)

Keeping a fun face on is chocolate fudging hard. Period.

Location: Uster, by Sanaa's house waiting for my bus which is coming in half an hour.
Music: iPod is dead.
Mood: Like my heart just shattered.

Today was awesome. I met a couple friends of Sanaa and Chris's. One is hilarious and had to deal with most of my craziness, the other is Indian and reminds me of a really good friend who I missed today. I went a little crazy, had a crapload of java. End of the day, Sanaa told me to keep being such a happy person.

I'm kinda really glad only Allison and co read my blog cause this hurts like a witch spelled wrong. I am not okay today.

Today, for the first time in all of my short but crazy 18 years... I missed my mom. I always say, I don't need a mom, I don't remember her and I don't know what it is like to even have one. What do moms do? What are you looking at me for, I don't know. How the heck should I know I don't have one. Didn't really matter to me. I loved being an independent girl, loved being a mom to Josh so early. Baby brother if you are reading this I adore you, you are so sweet and loving and I'm sorry I know I can be really freaking hard on you, I just don't know how to be a big sister and a mom at the same time. I'm so sorry cause I can't tell you what mom was like, I can't be like her because I have no idea who she was.

I've put on a brave face all day, and I feel like crap, worse that crap. I feel awful. I have never missed my mom, never missed a mother. Today I was sitting in Greifensee. That is where my mom learned to ride a bike. That is where she took me as a child. Not that I remember, but my dad does. I'm hurting and I don't know how to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I want to write about it, and have you understand that I am not crazy, I'm just putting on a mask, and my mask is caffeine induced craziness. And I do remember being real sad about my grandpa dying, and falling in and out of love. And let me tell you, love is a cold-hearted bitch.

But that was nothing compared to today.

I felt like shit, God why did you do this to me? I'm not angry at him as much as I am confused and wondering why he would break me. I could have been a normal kid, grew up here, and did whatever. But no, I just have to be the one to be fat and awkward and motherless and broken and it's not fair. But that is how life goes baby. I gotta get over it, make me stronger and pray to God I don't harden up. I want to be the happy person I was today without the craziness. I want to be stronger and not hurt for stupid reasons. I want my mom, I want her to tell me that it's okay, it's life, move along. I don't want to inherit just her face and her sickness, I want to inherit her heart- and when I die, I want people who knew me to talk about me the way they talk about my mom. Don't tell I'm too young to talk about my death, I've known death all my life, its been behind me and laughing at me so long as I can remember.

I was okay most of the day, then I had someone ask me if my mom was calling to call me home. Most kids are like darn it my mom wants me home by this time and this place and blah blah blah. I would never say that, if it was, it was because my mom was worried, and she loves me and she wants to take care of me and wants me safe. I was like no, it was my dad. It sucked, because I can never say, "hold on its my mom" So sons and daughters, don't ever complain when your mom fusses about you, she loves you, she worries about you and there are men and women out there who would give anything to have that.

I don't love my mom. I don't know her to love her. I want my mom. And I want something that my dad can't give me, he's got five other kids and I'm the eldest, I should be helping, not causing trouble. And I do have a stepmom, and its not the same. I used to think, if that's what a mom is like, I don't want one. But that's not a mom, that's a stepmom, and I'm a luckier Cinderella minus the Knight in Shining Armour.

AHHHHHH I am such a drama queen. I can't help it, I've never felt so bad in my life. I'll shut up now. But you all gotta know something. I'm not the happiest camper around and if I seem too much like it, please just let me be, I don't want to talk about it, I'd rather write about it. Read about it later, don't tell me I'm crazy, I know it already.

Sanaa, Chris, Martin and Rajiv I love you for that, you let me be me and just smiled through the strangeness.

One day I'll get over it. I will, because its me, so thanks.

Gotta catch me a bus home.

NUMB3RS got cancelled?????

Location: Kilchberg, Zürich

TV: Devil Card, Numb3rs

Mood: Disappointed and Annoyed

I cannot believe this. I was checking sidereel on the what deal was with Numb3rs and oh-for-Riemans-sake it was bloody cancelled! What the dickens is going on here? Numb3rs is a brilliant show, it used real math, works with TI, the stories are brilliant and it bloody got cancelled!!! This is the world of Ridley Scott!! Who produced Gladiator! I am so annoyed right now that I cannot think straight…

Sunflowers

 

I freaking love them. It is ridiculous how badly I used to dislike yellow, and how much I adore sunflowers. I know, crazy lock me up and throw away the key already.

They`re just big and yellow and tall and bright. And they grow all over Kilchberg, and I haven't seen any in Oetwil am See… but I know I will soon enough.

HOWEVER: There is a reason behind the freakiness. A logic behind the craziness. That is right. There is a reason.

I know, crazy eh? Since when does Merin Chacko that is right Merin Chacko ever have a reason for anything? What is the world coming to? Well according to Sam and Dean Winchester, its the Apocalypse baby (THANK GOD THEY STOPPED THAT ONE: GO ERIC KRIPKE!!!). As for the real world, well… I am probably just breathing up too much volcano dust here in Europe.

Alrighty, to get the the point. The Answer. The 42 of this particular post.

Think about it, why are these flowers called sunflowers? Because they always face the sun. They orient themselves and move according to where the sun moves. These are, cultured sunflowers that is. For some reason, wild sunflowers do not exhibit heliotropism. Funny, eh? I always think of it like this: Two types of people, ones who have been found and their seeds nurtured, feed with the world of God and taken care of. People who orient their lives towards their creator and their sustenance. Then the wild ones, who haven't quite gotten there yet.

If I need a role model for anything, it would be sunflowers. Their sustenance and life is the sun, they follow its every movement as the earth moves around. God is our daily bread, OF COURSE we should be like his sunflowers, following him in every way. It reminds me of the song by ´Hillsong London, Follow the Son (or Sun:P)

I follow the Son
You’re the only One
Let Your kingdom come
I’m giving it all
To the One I love
I follow the Son
Jesus holy One
Let Your will be done
I give it all to You
You are everything to me

I am just excited that I found yet another connection in my daily life to God. I should get brownie points!